Have People to Let Down

I recently had a surgery, a pretty big one, it turned out, because they found stuff in my guts— I had stage four endometriosis and they had to remove it. This isn’t a women’s health podcast, but this is a podcast about a woman writer trying to figure it all out, and women often have secret medical battles they fight totally alone and quietly so that they’ll look professional— I worked for YEARS with undiagnosed stage four endometriosis! Anyway. A month ago, I had surgery.

I was doing a lot better and then for whatever reason, I had a tough week. Okay the reason was that I had my first period post-surgery, but I’m not supposed to talk about my period because I’m a professional! I had my first period post-surgery in my period stuff where I had stage four endo removed, and the period ripped through all my surgery wounds and it hurt. I don’t know if that’s medically accurate, I’m not a doctor. I was out the whole week. I didn’t write. I did a lot of online shopping, I read my friend’s novel, and I watched The Chi on Showtime. For a week, I let an article I’m writing languish— oh I did write a funny little sketch one morning, first draft, and it’s still untyped in my journal. It was a rough week, is all I’m trying to say.

My writer’s group, Ellipses, meets every single Friday morning 8-10 am on Zoom. It was my week. I totally forgot. I’d uploaded a rough draft of my article earlier and forgot about it, and then I totally slept through our Zoom call, and missed my own writer’s group that I started and that I lead every Friday morning, when I was my turn to go. I woke up to concerned texts from my group. They understood, and checked in, and we’re all fine.

The point is, it felt really good to let them down. Not to let them down, but it felt so good to know that I have people to let down. When I woke up and realized I’d slept through it, at the end of a tough and painful week, I WEPT like a baby. I cried. My husband thought I was in pain again post-surgery and rushed over, and I wailed, “I - SLEPT - THROUGH - WRITER’S - GROUP…”

A big part of my writer’s journey is having people that I can’t let down. I promise actors scripts that I haven’t written yet (hello, Pregnant Pause and Amie Cazel). I book venues before I have a show. In December 2019, I formed a writer’s group because I got the NICEST rejection from a writing group that I’d ever read— basically, we loved your writing, sorry we can’t let you in— maybe I’ll read it on the podcast one day— and I knew that I needed people who loved my writing and COULD let me in, but all of those people turned me down, so I started my own group that they can’t kick me out of, even if I sleep through it. Ellipses, a writer’s group, my friend group, the bridesmaids standing beside me on the altar of committing myself forever to the futile death march that is trying to finish a first draft— I let them down. And I’ll let them down a thousand more times in missed deadlines, short pages, things I’m embarrassed to let them read, and I’ll keep letting people down with my work as a habit until I’m in the ground. The bad stuff gets to the good stuff. The missed meeting has me up this morning, still in a little pain, determined to make it up to them with better pages, a podcast apology, and trying to figure out a way to bake cookies and distribute them via Zoom since I can’t see my beloved writing bridesmaids Ellipses in person anymore. Have people to let down. It will make your writing stronger, your pain both more and less painful, and writing faster, sloppier, stronger, better.

What I’m reading:

Reread one of my favorite books, The Way of a Pilgrim by Anonymous.

What I’m watching:

The Chi on Showtime. It’s stunning. The final season is, to me, unlike any season on TV, and the redemption story of Ronnie made me weep. Apparently, according to articles I obsessively googled, they had two major actors unexpectedly exit at the end of a season, so they had to pivot the storytelling into the younger & more minor characters, who they elevated. The result was surprising and very touching.

Thanks for joining! Use the hashtags #writingmywritingdown and #writereadwatch to show me what you’re working on. I follow these hashtags and read and share every single post! Follow me on instagram, twitter, everywhere @hellokathleenj, this podcast is at @writingmywritingdown, and of course, if you’re feeling friendly, I would love it if you would leave a review. If you have reading and watching recommendations, please DM me. Especially for a fun fiction read. I’m at my pandemic limit and need something that’s trustworthy and fun.

I’m Kathleen Jones and this is Writing My Writing Down. If you want to get your writing done, write it down.

LISTEN TO THIS EPISODE